I just returned from Tucson, AZ – April 2024 – My Mom lived in Tucson for 20 years and some of her remains are sprinkled around a cactus in the nearby desert … her wishes … especially fitting because she was, in fact, a cactus in real life … prickly as hell …
I wrote the below story 2 years ago when I went back to the scene of the crime … the initial incident, recounted, happened 15 years ago, when Mom had had her stroke. I was traumatized enough to have to drop everything I was doing and run to Tucson check on mom, to handle the aftermath of the stroke and to figure out how to proceed with her care and future living situation … but then to have her wicked neighbors say they were glad my mother’s stroke happened was another trauma unto itself … it still brings me to tears … how could people be that cruel? I am grateful the time has passed to be able to see it from a more informed place of being, but it still hurts … some words can not be taken back …
My Mother was not the easiest person to live with … I know firsthand … but her neighbors at the Co-op on Palo Verde, in Tucson, AZ also felt that way …
Mom morally supported her upstairs neighbor, George, a flamboyant artist … him, his artwork, in any way possible … encouraging him, attending his shows, bragging about his talent … Mom, an artist in her own right, loved connecting with other artists …
Mom was a bit crazy … she always thought people who lived above her were making noise on purpose to upset her … poor George was caught in the crossfire of this delusion … they had a war going back and forth, involving the HOA, about him remaining quiet upstairs and to stop disturbing her so much … she used to bang a broom handle on the ceiling as well … My brother, Stu, believes this as well, that people are making noise on purpose upstairs to upset him … probably got that from mom …
Fact of Life: I have lived in downstairs units for 35 years, people upstairs make noise, but rarely is it on purpose … They are just living their lives without even thinking about who is living below them or the affect they are having on whoever is subjected to their living standard below …
On the upstairs landing, within viewing distance of my mother’s front door, a coffee clutch of Old Bitties would gather in the mornings to gossip, cluck like a bunch of hens and insult people from their perch …
Who knows what words my mother had had with these ladies … I remember mom, upset, telling me about some of the comments, but I cannot remember them now … needless to say, they were not on friendly terms with each other …
I know mom was upset with them and felt they did not like her and would not be friendly to her …
Mom was Definitely NOT a warm fuzzy, so I would not doubt she had given them a piece of her mind a time or two … (I am sure this is where I get that habit from as well!)
So, this is where is turns traumatically cruel …
When Mom had her stroke, I traveled to Tucson to see her in the hospital and get things settled in her little condo … it was devasting … she had had the stroke in the middle of the night, with no warning signs, stumbling around in the dark with no motor skills, knocking things over trying to get to the phone and to the door to open it for emergency first responders … I was the one to go pick up the pieces … my mentally ill brother was there as well, but I am not married, so no husband or friend to help support me, while I figured out how best to proceed with the set of circumstances before us … Dad and mom were divorced, and he had just had a heart attack … so he was not able to help at the time either …
So, I was alone, figuring it out … with Jesus also, of course … but I was not as in touch with Him then as I am now, so I felt very alone …
I ran into George at the condos … he said “I’m glad she had a stroke! She was unbearable!!” WTF! Who would say such a thing?! Even if she had been difficult, that is a really fucked up thing to say about someone who had just had a stroke … especially since mom did consider George a friend …
At the time, I could stand up to George … I told him that she liked him, that she talked favorably about him, and she thought they were friends … I told him she supported his artwork in any way she could … I can not remember his response … I think it was less than enthusiastic …
The Bitties upstairs actually had the nerve to say something to me about mom as well … they were glad she was out of their hair, said she was difficult, LAUGHING about it all … I think I said that she felt that same about you guys … It was much harder to stand up to half a dozen bullies staring down at you, criticizing your ill mother, than it was talking to George, one on one, who was also looking down from the above landing …
I returned to Tucson this last weekend April 8-11, 2022, to visit mom’s ashes that are spread around a saguaro cactus in the West Tucson Desert.
The thoughts of these heartless bitches glorifying in Mom’s illness really got to me … it felt like a punch in the stomach then, and even still today, like someone had sucker punched me in the gut …
I visited her old Co-op and went to the scene of the crime … The top landing where the bitches used to sit … no one was there, the seats were empty … but I was able to do what I needed to do …
I did a reverse amends … I was able to go and say to those Invisible ladies how I felt, and I kept it respectful and somewhat kind … I did not cuss, but told them how messed up that was to say such things about my mother to me while I was there to take care of her & her business … it was wrong and really messed up … that it was cruel and inhumane to say such things, regardless of how they felt about her … I told them only sick people would say such things, so I would forgive them … then I realized, that I still am harboring some PISSED OFF at them! I told them that Jesus would help me with the forgiveness … because I wasn’t sure I felt it yet … I also said I hope they do not ever hurt someone like that again knowing how cruel it was and how much it hurt my spirit & soul …
I did not want to cuss because I am working on delivering kind messages when I do not agree with someone or their viewpoint … especially if they are being a jerk … I want to maintain my dignity and feel good about what I say regardless of how they are acting
My therapist uses this method with me in her office frequently … she places the invisible offender on the ottoman in front of me and then I tell them all the things I need to say to them that I was never able to say before … It is healing … This is Gestalt … I find it very effective.
This is where my 2022 stopped … I went no further … I believe it hurt too much to finish the story then …
Two years later now, I can look back at this story and find more forgiveness for these sick women … I have been able to walk further past the hurt and see the ignorance of their actions. I am sure you have heard it said, “hurt people, hurt people”, and that rings true here. I also believe it is easier to be a bully in packs … all of them together, looking down from above, felt they could deliver the cruel message to a hurt and confused daughter, but I’ll bet if we were face to face, one on one, they would not have been so brazen.
This represents another chink in the armor of my soul … a trauma on top of a trauma … this is how my life has been … that is why I am trying to write it all down so I can understand it better and maybe others can too … how I have overcome these struggles … the Love of God has been the factor that has made the difference … His love for me and His love pouring through me to be able to reconcile these past traumas has been the healing force … also time …
My friend Max says that God and Time will heal all wounds, I think that is pretty much true … I say pretty much because there could be things out there that seem beyond that reach, even though I know there is not, sometimes it seems that way … and I want to acknowledge that … that my human understanding still can have doubts about God’s infinite power.
Thank God, God is God and He does understand …