Alter Ego

Everyone in my life has let me down at some point or another - right now I feel that about ALL of them! Ouch! We are in crazy times to be sure, my crazy is showing up frequently too, so I get it ... we all can't be perfect ...

 

I feel very alone and that it is few and far between to be able to talk to someone who TRULY listens and understands without trying to 'fix me'.

 

My Therapist understands me the best, but she IS trying to fix me, after all that is what I pay her for! I only get a limited amount of time with her, never enough, of course, and it is expensive (but worth it) I am in the middle of finding my true self - not the one covered up from all my childhood hurts, defense mechanisms and survival techniques - but the true self that got buried underneath it all ... it is slow, painful work becoming your true self ... it is scary and awkward becoming someone you are not used to and then trying to interact with the people in your life with whom you do not know how to act anymore because you are different and new each day ... trying new ways of being and being very clumsy with it all ... so sensitive and raw uncovering years and layers worth of the past that need to be shed ... and I am surrounded with crazy mother fuckers throughout my whole life so they do not always make it easy to make it through the day ...

 

I get nuggets of encouragement here and there ... I have been through MUCH trauma and tragedy in my life, so I know how to persevere ... you just keep showing up, whether you feel like it or not ... I do fantasize about running away but I have built a good life for myself so that would actually be counterproductive at this point in time ... So I will keep showing up amongst my friends with all the vehement opinions they have at this time, to which I vehemently oppose much of them, but I keep my mouth shut because it does not make sense to me to argue with people who are not willing to listen to your side and respect your opinion ... to me ... THAT is crazy ...

 

I have always marched to the beat of my own drum ... why stop now?! I am NOT the norm ... never have been, never will be (THANK GOD!!) SO not sure why I want to fit in all the time ... guess I want to feel a part of the whole, which I am ... I just have my part to play which is not like most others ... I am a trailblazer and a trendsetter ... a leader ... who is in a slump right now ... got my ass kicked again by life and still recovering ... discovering my true self which takes SOOOOOO much energy ... it's over a 100 degrees for the past however many days and many of my friends are being assholes ... and you know what I am going to do?! I am going to keep showing up, knowing it will change ... I just have to keep showing up with the best attitude I can, and it will change ... this too shall pass ...

 

Jesus has been by me the WHOLE time ... Always has been, always will be ... HE is the only one who has not let me down ... Thank you JESUS for that!