Casino Crazy

August 7, 2020

 

Afraid of being controlled by Big Brother and the Mark of the Beast

 

Mom told me what to do … ordered me what to do – Mom’s control – me rejecting/resisting that is the kid coming through

 

Opportunity to be different

 

Differentiation in the moment I decide from my adult place what I want to do – how I want to act

Resistance not always the best choice

 

Palace Station – Progressive Nickel Keno – $.20 max bet for a jackpot of $68,500 presently … I have seen it as high as $108k … only available at a few Station Casinos around the valley and only a few machines to choose from and now with the social distancing, there were even fewer left … out of the 10 there, 6 can be used with social distancing, even less if someone takes a middle machine … I saw a machine I wanted to play but another woman was on it … She finally got up and left so I went to grab the machine – a half a bottle of water was still there, but no other marker as to her coming back … I sat and set up … she came back and announces “that is my machine … I just went to the bathroom” … I mentioned “you left, there was no sign of you coming back?!” I was thinking for a minute, not wanting to leave the machine and also I hate cashing out on an uneven amount of credits, but I was considering giving her back the machine, as that is what I would want if it happened to me … so all of this was running through my mind … I started to say “Well I guess I could …” She cut me off and barked angrily in my face “You could erase your numbers!!!” That pissed me off … “Erase my numbers?!?!?” In order to erase your numbers, you have to place a bet so I was like – bitch I’m not erasing my numbers and giving you the machine with my bet … she was basically trying to say give me my machine back but now Pride swelled and I wasn’t going to give her shit … I replied “You know what?! No, I don’t think I am going to … I am going to stay right here … I’m not going anywhere” She was hoppin’ mad … she was like “I don’t have time for this shit” … I retorted “Me either” … she claimed “In my younger days I would have punched you in the mouth and gone to Jail … don’t make me crazy … “ I sat quietly playing the machine and I finally said “You don’t scare me … ” She didn’t … I could take her for sure, even with her ‘Crazy’ … she has no clue how much ‘Crazy” I can bring and the explosion of 50 years’ worth of pent up/bottled up anger that she was about to unleash … there are only a couple of Palace Station security guards who could possibly stop the madness of two crazy bitches of our caliber, she would be a worthy opponent, I will give her that, but there was no doubt in my mind, she would have only gotten that first punch in … I have seen CRA – ZY … I have been CRAAAAA-ZZZZZZY … she would have no idea what hit her if she started on me … I kept this information to myself, hoping not to have to use it … at least she had warned me … BIG ED DELINE (Who actually is not THAT big – but his personality and character are) from Las Vegas Montecito says not to tell them your going to do it … just do it … I feel that is sound advise (which may or may not prove my crazy, taking advise from a fictional TV gangster … but it really does make sense) She talked some more smack about me not getting her crazy … and I simply stated “Leave me alone” … she shut up after that … hopefully taking my calm demeanor and very low voiced, deliberate words as a possible threat (which they were actually) I come out of nowhere when I bar room fight … I am calm, until I am not … I go over the edge and it’s on … Now mind you, I don’t want ANY of this to happen … It actually shocked me that she would hit me over a stupid machine … She could have done it and not said anything – that Definitely would have shocked me even more! I sat contemplating what had just occurred … I regretted my words and actions, but I was not going to back down at this point … Pride still ruled … I did not want her to tell me … to ORDER me … what to do … I thought about apologizing, I thought about cashing out and leaving as I was only planning on doing a little more gambling and leaving, but now I was not going to leave until she did … I was praying for her to win to make up for it … I was praying for me to win to show her … I was praying for her to lose so she’d leave … I was praying for me not to win so it would not piss her off more … talk about conflicting emotion! The thought that she could have hit me with no warning and maybe break my nose, my tooth, my jaw, etc … or me getting involved physically and going to jail was not lost on me … High stakes nickel Keno for sure! Her husband showed up and she bolted away without saying a word for a moment … Is she getting a gun?! She came back … I think she went to go get her music and now she had an ear piece in and was rocking back and forth – I’d like to think to the music and not because she was totally bat shit crazy … then her arms go up, as if praising the Lord … again a hopeful thought … Is she putting a hex on me?! It is just occurring to me now that maybe we are both Christians and behaving like this?! (I know many Christians are claiming they would never be gambling in the first place … well let me direct you to Matt 7:1-5 … I will BET you … since I DO gamble … HA! … That some of your behavior and actions you would not want broadcast … just sayin’ …) I remain calm as a cucumber … she finally loses and leaves … I lost $60 instead of the $20 I was going to try on the machine … needless to say … NO ONE left a winner … As I got up to leave, I promised myself not to beat myself up … not get angry with myself … but to learn from it … If I could turn back the clock … I would have given her the machine when she asked for it the first time, no questions asked … humbly apologizing and giving it back to her (there were still other machines open to play on) That is who I want to be … Maybe next time … if I see her again, which there is a good chance I will as there are only a few Progressive Nickel Keno players and we gravitate to the same machines … I will apologize … it will make me feel better no matter how she takes it … it is the right thing to do …

 

Chari brought up that there we were both trying to get our relief from gambling, trying to blow off steam, not blow up with steam, tensions were high from Covid, BLM, Me Too, Politics, etc … and all that that brings … two souls clashing under the pressure of the climate of the nation/world …

 

Resistance to NOT being controlled – and yet she was controlling me! All the way …

 

Comparing your crazy to somebody else is crazy, it’s like comparing dick sizes it’s not always the size of the crazy that matters but how you use it… You got to be careful of those sleeper crazies …

 

From the looks of her I don’t doubt that she has seen her days of crazy ... but I’m not sure It can compare to the days of crazy that I have seen… I have seen certifiable, institutional, psychotic, bat shit, motherfucking crazy, stared it in the Eye, invited home, lived with it ... almost killed me in more ways than one ... 

 

I definitely know how to use my crazy because I’m on the other side of it, so if I really need to use it, I can use it really well ... I’m not sure if that’s necessarily a good or bad thing, it may sound a little bit diabolical, but when you’re in the spot where you need it, I’m damn sure glad I have it in my back pocket to use ...