Daily Insanity, December 1, 2022

VA Heroes!
Dr Pekarek – Podiatrist – Knowledgeable, Straight Talker …
Tesha - nail care podiatrist health provider – Excellent at her job of trimming Brother’s toenails, but also insisted the doctor come and take a look at Brother’s feet in between his appointments as we were there for the nail trim.

Brother’s wounds go through several layers of skin and smell … horrendous … I have plenty of pictures that I will NOT show you, as they are truly horrific …

Dr. Pekarek looked at Brother’s feet and explained that the Osteomyelitis that Brother had last year, does not go away, it hides in the nooks, crannies and crevices of the bones and can come back at any time … after a while, the feet can no longer heal from the repeated infection and amputation is necessary … He prescribes antibiotics and more in home wound care … keep in mind, he has been in hospitals since mid-July and these feet were basically being ignored to get to his stage again … WTF?!

All Brother hears is that the doctor wants to cut his toes off! 

I had to explain to him over and over, as he was ranting that no one is going to cut anything off his feet, that no one wants to just cut anything off of his feet! That we need his help to NOT cut anything off of his feet … he needs stay home and quit running around, on his open wound feet, every night, on the LV strip, hugging strippers, looking for a wife, to have a baby with!

He keeps going out every night and walking on the feet … he just wants to party and have excitement because he is lonely (he won’t go to the social events we encourage him to go to) … he can’t get it … still pissed about the doctor’s comment of amputation …

I am glad the doctor gave it to us straight so that I could understand the gravity of the situation … This is why I try to go to doctor’s appointments when I can … to hear what is important and needs to be addressed … but it is impossible to go to all of the appointments, there are so many, and I get overwhelmed with the enormous amount of time my Brother’s mental illness steals from me …

Brother thinks that the doctor is taking the easy way out to just cut off his toes, he doesn’t understand that the doctor is talking about the end result of not taking care of his feet.  Brother has a hard time grasping this concept, repeatedly yelling that no one is cutting off his feet … I need to explain it to him so many times, actually getting pissed off and screaming it at him, it seems to be the only way he can hear it … this wears me the fuck out!

I am trying to tell this story from a place of love … I fluctuate between love, anger, sadness, frustration, confusion, fatigue, and so many more emotions I don’t even know how to list them … I keep trying to roll around back to love because that is the only way I can survive this … the only way I can get the kind of love needed for this can only come from my Jesus … when I turn to Him, He delivers … it is just hard to remember to keep going to Him for the answers and the help when the hits keep coming … somehow, I do keep coming back to Him … probably because it works every time I go to Him for Peace and Love … Lord please help me remember to turn to you in times of need … or anytime for that matter!

Without Brother’s predicament, I would not be growing in faith, joy and happiness like I am … it is providing acres and acres of growth … like it or not … which I do like it … I’d rather be growing than not … this is just a hard way to get it …

That night, after the doctor’s appointment, we went to dinner with our friends … they also help keep me stay sane as they help out with Brother a lot!

Brother was talking about taking a “Tuck and roll into hell” … without hesitating, our friend asked, “Was that in Reno?” Mic drop … made me laugh … I do not know what he was referring to, but his timing was perfect … laughter is the best medicine of them all …