Fluent in Crazy (FIC) here

Well, here we are again … My brother is back in the hospital …

 

After he was released in January, we started the long slow process of healing from the War we just went through … The War I am referring to was a barrage of hospitals, doctors, nurses, social workers, case workers, orderlies, security guards, judges (both legal judges and armchair judges … aka friends and acquaintances with opinions), my brothers constant, erratic/psychotic calls to me (sometimes up to 8 in a day) … total insanity … and that was just part of the story …

 

When he is staying in a hospital, whether it is him calling, or a doctor/nurse/social worker, the same number comes up for the hospital, so you do not know if it a staff member that needs to talk to you or the mad man himself with his insane rantings coming at you through the phone, guaranteed to fuck up your day, even for a little while … or sometimes the rest of the day … you have to answer sometimes to either speak to the staff member or at least let my brother know that I love and support him, but do not want to hear about “The Plan”. He is always coming up with a lunatic, sometimes genius, plan … he loves to tell you the plan over and over and over and over again … he is insistent about it all … it is maddening in and of itself …

 

His hospital stays were 4.5-months, in 3 different hospitals, one of the hospitals twice, where he was being held for both his psychosis and physical issues. He had diabetic sores on his feet/toes which were badly infected that, somehow, the first two hospital stays, that lasted 2 months, ignored ... so his feet became so badly infected with Osteomyelitis, that he had to have a picc line to his heart for 6 weeks to clear up the infection. In fact, he was running around Vegas during that time for 4 days when the unqualified Judge Claudia Romney released him from the VA hospital, undermedicated … She even threatened to “put me away” when I tried to stop it … BITCH!! … that is when he packed his bag in the FIC post on Nov 10, 2021, … I spoke of the hospital stays then … when we were halfway through it all …

 

I stopped by one of my support meetings that night to check in as I was a wreck, especially with the judge threatening me … I was not disrespectful or rude to her … there was no contempt of court, just a lot of frustration, so her threat was unwarranted & a gross exercise of power… I was judged at the meeting for the state I was in … I was told I should show up spiritually fit every time … WTF?!?! Not true or even possible, but it messed with me due to the state of mind I was in … others from my group told me I just needed to “pick up my tools” ie Spiritual tools and I would be fine … they had no clue what I was going through, even though I was trying to tell them … they just thought I was whack … which, to be fair, I was, but for good reason … The story continues …

 

My brother was released under-medicated from the VA hospital (by the Clark County Bitch Judge), then released over-medicated by St Rose Sienna, he was released from the VA hospital with open, infected diabetic wounds that threatened amputation … he went back to the same VA hospital to get evened out on the meds, where I was gaslighted on Christmas Eve that his feet “weren’t that bad” when he left last time (the time he needed a picc line to his heart), at the same time as my brother sat there in front of us both with a bloody sock and the wounds reopened that had just healed in St. Rose for 6 weeks … I lost my shit with that comment, and stood up, face to face to the intimidating, large framed, gas-lighting MF orderly and called the CEO of the hospital to straighten out that situation … he received attention as soon as possible which, by the way, was one week later due to the holidays & him being on the psych ward (only doctor ordered foot wrappings can be done … not just practical medicine in the psych ward) … that was what was ASAP during the holidays … one more week with open sores that had just been closed …

 

The two places I get the most comfort from, my home and my support group were upside down … and, Well … FAR from comfortable …

 

During my brother’s hospital stays, I had moved back into my home after almost a year of it being torn up from a flood … Being forced out of your home during a worldwide pandemic, the holidays, an inventory supply chain shortage and both my home and I being abused in a variety of ways by obnoxious contractors, most notably their misogynistic attitudes, is enough to drive anyone crazy without the added stress of a psychotic, hospitalized brother. I was finding out how much the contractors had screwed up inside the home, which was actually quite a few items that had to be redone, costing more money … I posted about the hot water issue in FIC Feb. 4, 2022. That was only one issue I faced moving back in … There were MANY!!

 

My home felt violated and not safe from the crimes against it and me … a few of my neighbors also made my home feel unsafe … the new configurations of the home took a while to adjust to, so the home I have lived in for 20 years felt like a strange environment to me … totally unfamiliar … so weird … after 20 years of familiarity in the home, it was a bit unnerving to feel like it too, was a stranger to me …

 

I belong to a recovery support group … that had also blown up a bit during this time with Covid situation and some situations going on there, so my support group was not in its usual comfort zone either. People were saying hurtful, judgmental things about my situation when they didn’t even know the whole story … they would listen for 5 minutes and think they had the gist of things and try to say something “helpful” which was actually ignorant as they did not have experience in this area … they would speak platitudes, thinking that they were one size fits all helpful information, which really didn’t help at all … they just made me confused and feel worse … this was new territory … the normal shit wasn’t working … I needed deeper solutions …

 

A few friends walked away from me … one friend whom I was particularly close with, cut off all communication with no explanation … that gutted me … I thought we were closer, I thought she was someone else … that rocked my world because I now doubted everyone … they could walk at any moment … what did I do wrong? I was just trying to survive and keep my head above water …

Thank God for my amazing therapist and a few friends and strangers who were helpful … guiding me through just by listening to me and loving me. One friend would invite to breakfast, to take a walk, to take a trip, no preaching, just companionship and an ear to listen … that helped heal me … I will be forever grateful for her example …

 

We were planning a wedding during this whole time as well, for our dear friend and “sister” … she had been my brother’s roommate for 5.5 years … that is the reason he went off in the first place … he was freaked out about the changes about to take place as she found a new life else where … so what was supposed to be a joyous time of planning her new adventures, was marred by my brothers constant calls to her and I about the situation … relentless calling, day and night, about the “The Plan”.

 

Work was exceptionally busy at this time as well … I am single … I live alone … I am the only one bringing in money to the household … I was slammed … tons of pressure from every direction … I have a very high-pressure job, with high-net-worth clients, so that added to all the insanity that was already going on … I don’t have the luxury of turning to a partner and saying, “Hey honey, I am a little overloaded right now, can you help me pick up the slack?” Nope … it was all on me …

 

Oh, By the Way … I am going through Menopause … so add that crazy in the with the mix …

I almost broke … almost lost my mind … it was so much … it was all so far out of my control … so far over my head … there was only one way to survive … surrender it all to God and take it one day, one minute, one moment at a time … there was peace in that …

 

So, to say we survived a War, in my opinion is accurate … A War on Mental illness, A War on ignorance, A War on incompetent medical & contractor practices, A War of an uncaring Judicial system, An ongoing War on Age Old misogynistic views, A War on people in general judging you when they do not have all the facts, A War on being comfortable when everything around you is uncomfortable …

 

I totaled up the cost of the hospitalizations … I could only do the private ones, as the VA “doesn’t keep those sorts of records” … yep … they actually told me that … I am sure someone is keeping track of it somewhere … the private sector was $500,000, so I am sure the total was at least $1m. including the VA portion (based on similar time and care at the private facilities) All paid by the VA. Taxpayer dollars … one man for 4.5 months of hospital stays … yes … I said ONE MILLION DOLLARS …

 

My brother had recently said he was starting to feel better after all that had transpired … I felt the same … it had taken a few months of depression and surviving at a low level of energy to make it to feeling better … I realized then that we were feeling the same thing, or at least similar things … we were both depressed for a while after the whole ordeal …

 

I had noticed that he was not quite back to baseline yet, but hoped it would even out over time as it takes time to get him totally back to baseline when he comes out of the hospitalizations.

THEN … the VA case worker noticed one of his meds was too low a dose … he used to be on a higher dose before he slid off the map early Sept 2021 … we tried to correct it … after it was noticed, we went to the doctor to have the higher dose reinstated, the NP nearly missed the request, I had to point it out to her that that is why we were there … she made the order, but it got stuck in Pharmacy for 2 weeks … OOPS … there goes my Brother, Sliding off the map again …

 

Did I forget to mention that his foot wounds re-opened? Yep … Home health care nurse will be ordered again …

 

I wonder how much it will cost the taxpayers this time? All because he was undermedicated again … Last time it was 1 million dollars … think about that … 4.5 months … $1m. … Ouch …

I feel this could have been avoided … there is no way I can keep up on every nuance of his care … I am not a doctor … I should not have to be the one keeping track of how much he needs, especially since that changes ALL the time … meds work for a while, then need to be changed occasionally, but this is one that I feel we already had the answer to … it was just somehow over looked … after ONE MILLION DOLLARS OF TAX PAYER DOLLARS MEDICAL CARE… HMMMMM … something seems a little off to me … am I right?!

 

Nevada is in 49th place in the nation as far as mental health care … scraping the bottom …

My brother has now been in the hospital for a month again … they keep saying they are going to release him … he is undermedicated … Today he was claiming that Olivia Newton John was working on the floor of the psych ward and that she came and kissed his cheek several times … we have always been fond of ONJ … She passed away a few days ago … my brother thought I was dead as well and that our dead uncles were with him in the hospital (which may in fact be true … they might be there in spirit … ONJ may be there under that same premise) He had another PLAN worked out … always does … hairbrained, erratic, nonsensical plan that he wants to employ. His VA caseworker calls it Word Salad … words thrown together that don’t make any sense. Even with my brother making all these statements, the doctor somehow thinks my brother is ready to be released … And they call my brother crazy … they need to check the doctor … and that Bitch Judge too, as a matter of fact … seriously …

 

They have said they were going to release him for the last several weeks even though he has been manic this whole time … Can I ask why? Why would they release him? Would they have a good answer for me? I doubt it … They once told me he has a legal right to be crazy on the streets … he is a danger to himself when he is like this … he would be another statistic we read about in the newspaper … and the beat goes on …

 

Well let’s see how long this insanity lasts … I will keep you posted …

 

This recount is yet one more example of why I am Fluent in Crazy … I speak Crazy fluently … from many years of this sort of experience … plus the fact that my family, and much of their family before them, were bat-shit & certifiably crazy … so I come by it honestly to be sure…

 

Just as I was about to sign off, I realized how many years we have been doing this … my brother going in and out of hospitals … approx. 36 years … and how much the WHOLE thing has cost … I can not count the number of hospital stays … some have been up to a year … sometimes he has been in 3-5 times a year … I am not sure there is a way to track that many hospital stays across about 6 states, for that many years … Washington, Oregon, Arizona, Nevada, California, back East for the first time at the military facility, maybe even a couple more states that I am forgetting … the stories and stays seem endless… but if I had to hanker a guess at the cost … considering that the cost would be more now, due to inflation, I would estimate my brother has possibly racked up maybe $20-30m in medical costs to the taxpayers throughout his hospital stay history … Now that’s Crazy …

 

Am I wrong in hoping for and dreaming of a better solution to all this? Or just crazy to think it is possible? I will keep hoping and dreaming, because that is who I am … call me crazy, you are probably right, but I am ok with that because I owned, and made friends with, my crazy a long time ago …

 

Bye for now … Love you …