Loser

I am sitting here calling myself the biggest loser that ever was … my alcoholic head coming at me … aka Satan … trying to kill me dead …

I am tired and sick, not just sick and tired …

I am a business owner of a real estate & pm company in lv

I own my own home and have a rental property

I take care of my mentally ill, schizophrenic brother

I am sober 26 years

I take care of myself financially even though I am in the hole right now … it is all on me

I have Raiders season tickets

I have wonderful friends

People tell I am beautiful, although I have always struggled to feel that way …

This sounds like a successful life on the outside

Yet, I sit here crying and call myself a big loser

Stuart, my mentally ill brother, hears people call him names like “loser” …

I wonder if he thinks other people call him names so that he does not have to take ownership of himself calling himself names? 

He is so far inside his own head that he is self-centered to the extreme … he is not capable of much more

I wonder if he is so self-centered and egotistical that he cannot bear to think of putting himself down, so he manufactures imaginary ‘others’ who put him down … yet he has very low self-esteem as well

We both have low self esteem

That’s what happens when you grow up with a mother that tells you don’t know how to do anything right your whole life … no matter what happens, you get screamed at … hence the PTSD

We both grew up under this and were both affected, even to this day

These matters are not easily undone when you believe them to the core of your soul

I have been working on my condition with recovery and therapy for a long time and I am barely cracking the code of healing, Stu has no shot it seems

Maybe ignorance is bliss … he is way more ignorant than I, I am far too woke, I know too much to ever go back to the denial I was in

Maybe God will make a way where there seems to be no way

Maybe we will die, and it will all be over

Maybe we will live in agony for 30-40 more years

Maybe something outside of my vision will occur to change it all

In the meantime, I am torturing myself with today message that I am a loser

Hopefully tomorrow’s memo will be different

I was searching for a picture to put with this blog post

THANK GOD I found the one I did (God showed it to me) 

A winner is a loser who never gave up

That’s me cos I keep showing up … not today … but wait … yes! today too cos I am going to hear my friend speak at the meeting tonight … I am showing up for her …

I have been sitting on the couch all day in my pjs cos I am sick and tired … for real … not just the expression … lots going on in my world right now … I needed to rest today … but my head started on me …

I will do what I can today, and tomorrow is a new day … today sucks so far … ha!

And the beat goes on … this too shall pass …