Doctor's Visit

Cinco De Mayo doctors visit scheduled … wasn’t sure I was going to go because I had a feeling it wasn’t going to help anything; I’d have to pay money (co pay) and I did not feel like I had anything to report

 

I was just getting back from a weekend trip with the girls, and I had a lot of catching up to do with work, I was tired and overwhelmed, not sure I could fit it all in … also, I am still getting used to this new doctor – I am on my 6th doctor/PA in 5 years due to my them moving away, getting sick or me being handed off to the next Doc/PA without my input and/or the insurance dropping a particular medical group … the jury is still out as to whether or not I will stay with option #6 … I’ll give her another try … the last couple of visits were not ideal, but it takes me a while to get used to someone and warm up to them … I thought I would give it another shot …

 

I decided to go 45 minutes before the appointment.

 

I get there and get in right away – I will give them that, they are REALLY great about staying true to the appt time …

 

Here comes the young Physician’s Assistant/PA with all her many scripted questions …

 

She asked me how I was doing … I told her I had just gotten back from a girl’s weekend in Utah supporting our friend in an Ironman competition and that I was really inspired by the events …

 

First off, she puts a device on my finger and lets it stay on there for a while, finally telling me its an oxygen meter and it is too low at a 94 … it should be at 96 or above … I ask her if I can remove my mask, please, so I can get oxygen? …. “Just for a minute” she replies with a cautious glance … sure enough, the oxygen level immediately rises to 97 …. Hmmmmmmm …. How. About. That. I looked at her and said, “Imagine that, when I remove my mask, I get more oxygen!” … she laughs nervously … Glad I suggested to remove my mask, or she would have recorded the wrong number. (Strike One – thought you were the medical tech here … Why do I need to tell you how to do your job? Typical …)

 

The invasive questions ensue from the pubescent PA …

 

Do you have depression now or in the last 2 weeks? Yes – I have been out of my home for 6 months due to a flood, my work is extremely stressful, but I am the only one in my household bringing in money, my mentally ill brother seems to be getting worse, and so much more …

 

DO you have difficulty getting along with others? YES – that is a given with me …

 

She asks me to choose from the multiple-choice answers … a. somewhat difficult, b. very difficult or c. extremely difficult … I ask her to repeat the choices as I want to make sure to properly convey my sentiments in this category … I choose b., ‘very difficult’ and mutter something about my German upbringing and that that is part of my alcoholism … I was disappointed there was not a choice d. d. Uh, Yeah! Or an e. All of the Above …

 

Do you have suicidal thoughts? I answer “No” (I have had suicidal thoughts for as long as I have been sober, almost 24 years, in a recovery program, but I know I will not do it, as I made a vow to God that I would not … that account is for another story …) I need to lie here, or I could get locked up … I have found that most people in the medical field do not understand the alcoholic brain, which is a horrific travesty in my opinion and that, at times, this a ‘normal’ part of our thought process … The medical field is still largely ignorant as to how the alcoholic brain operates and that it is responsible for death, destruction and mass mayhem everywhere … Alcoholism and the Alcoholic/Addict brain is one of the largest leading causes/contributors of Death in the US & around the world (Drunk driving, suicide, liver failure, heart failure, brain failure, general stupidity in action, etc … many deaths are mislabeled when alcohol/alcoholism is the main contributor to the death)

 

Are you thinking of hurting yourself or others? No – Another lie … I think about those things, I am not going to act on them … but again, If I say yes, then a whole different conversation takes place, and I may not be going home that day …

 

I ask her a question … Are you familiar with Alcoholism? No, she is not … We’ve got a freshman here …

 

I explain to her that depression is part of my makeup and this is what happens to us alcoholics on a regular basis … she has no idea what I am talking about …

 

She then asks, have you thought of taking time off? Well First off, I just told you I took time off for the weekend (Strike two – bad listening skills) , AND I told you that I am the only one bringing money in to my household (Strike Three – doesn’t understand) , ALSO I am an obsessive compulsive sober Alcoholic whose mind rarely shuts down AND I am a successful business woman running a company who tends to think things through thoroughly, over and over and over again … YES, I have thought about taking time off, I’d LOVE to take more time off, it is not possible more than I already do … the pressure is about to blow my head clean off … I wish there was a way out … do you think I have not thought of that, over and over and over and over again? you ignorant little girl … (Strike four … way past done)

 

I growl at her “Yes, I just told you I had time off and that I am the only one bringing money into the home … YES, I have thought of these things and NO they are not possible at this time …”

 

I ended up noticeably irritated at her questions, bark at her at bit, thus proving why I find it, b. ‘very difficult’, to get along with people …

 

This 25-year-oldish stranger is trying to figure out what is going on with me in 5 minutes and then gives me her inexperienced answer off the top of her head, when she truly does not know the whole story … this is not helping one bit …

 

She clutches her clip board to her chest and runs from the room as she squeaks out “It will get better” Yes, I know it will get better sweetie, this is the life I live on a reg … I’ve lived more life in my pinky than you have in your whole-body little one … I know it gets better …

 

She evidently tells the doctor something interesting as the doctor rushes in, “What’s wrong? What Happened?” touching my leg a couple of times as if to calm me down … I want to tell her that her PA is too green to handle this Green (my last name), that she needs to send someone in with a little more moxie next time …

 

In my Mind replying … “I’m just fine … but you better check on your PA, she seemed a little upset when she left … “Ha! 

 

The PA was following her script … script followers don’t know what to do when they meet someone with a brain that goes off their script … Uh oh … we have a free brain thinker here … that’s not in the script! I can only handle yes, no or multiple-choice questions answered please!

 

I have a built-in bullshit meter … I can spot bullshit a mile away … maybe even 5 miles off … I can see it coming and I tend to call people out on it, hence, proving it ‘very difficult’ to get along with others because many people are dishing out some kind of bullshit. Many do not even know they are dishing it out, their bullshit stems from ignorance, arrogance, lack of education, insanity, not thinking, not paying attention, not listening, past trauma, or just plain stupidity and many more factors than that ...

 

What bothers me is that this PA is now, not only reporting to the doctor her erroneous findings of my situation, but she is peppering my medical chart with her bullshit filter of a young inexperienced girl …

 

The doctor and I chat for about another 5 min … she gets my scenario a little more as she has lived some life … she is closer to my age … she then apologizes and offers me medication for my depression … UGH! NO!

 

I am a recovering alcoholic (which the doctor knows), prone to depression, but do not need drugs because I am having a normal reaction/feeling to being forced out of my home during a pandemic and the holidays, and trying to build back my home by supervising construction workers that have the mentality of Jr. High kids, supply chains that are low due to the Suez Canal incident (there may have been alcohol involved … just sayin’), plus fighting insurance, flaky contractors & my own confusion and overwhelm … This build back project is full time job and I have a full time, EXTREMELY stressful, SUPER busy job running a company … I am the only person in my home bringing in money plus caring for a declining mentally ill brother … not to mention the day-to-day functions of just trying to get life things done in the middle of a pandemic AND work my recovery program to stay sober, which is another full-time job … Its ok to have a feeling and not to mask it with a suppressant …

 

This is actually what my life looks like on an ongoing basis … there is always some HUGE thing going on … this is my ‘normal’ life … I don’t drink or use no matter what and I go to meetings (support groups where 1000’s of people like me help one another to stay sober and cope with life) … How do I manage to find the time to write?! Ha! (Not nearly as often as I would like, but when I do write, it is a passion that pours out of me that cannot be contained … I like it like that … )

 

Many Doctors immediately go to prescribing the medication without taking the time to really understand the situation … Just by educating themselves on Alcoholism would be a good start. Taking in to consideration it is an equal opportunity disease, affecting every socio-economic class … it is no respecter of persons …it is prevalent in an abundance of households across the world, for many generations past, present, and future. It is a generational curse/disease, passed down from one generation to another … our generation is the generation that is starting to make a dent in the ignorance of information about Alcoholism. Passed down from our forefathers Bill W. And Dr BOB., who started the movement in 1935. They helped Alcoholics to understand their own disease, their own behavior and helped to provide a solution for the disease. The new norm is families getting sober generationally and understanding alcoholism in a new light. This generation continues to carry the flame of the spark they ignited, to shed more light on a VERY dark subject. More information is being found out and dispersed to help others understand …

 

By saying no to the doctor … I DO NOT WANT A PILL TO MASK THE PROBLEM … we fight for more understanding for the REAL issues behind the problem. We don’t need pills to get through life. We need support, listening ears, helping hands, GOD, LOVE, education … so much more … but this is just a start …

 

Passing out pills exasperates the problem, as the pills make people thick in the head, not as free thinking … slower … which contributes to more misunderstanding as they can not pay attention as easily. I see it every day with the people I am around … the ones on medication are slower, more tired, it takes more time and effort to get across any information to them, not to mention that they function at a limited capacity on meds … they miss more of the life that is happening around them.

 

Disclaimer … I am not a doctor … I do not even play one on TV … I know some people NEED their medication … My brother absolutely needs pills for his schizophrenia … he is psychotic without them … 37 years in and out of mental institutions has proven that … I realize some people do need medication … they can not function properly without it … but there must be a balance … give the pills to the people who need them and don’t give them to the people who don’t need them … not everyone needs a pill after a 5-minute conversation …

 

I am a bit of a bear about all of this, but I know future History will not prove me wrong … more education and open mindedness to the issues will hopefully help.

 

The medical community needs to be far more educated in the field of addiction … I propose MANADTORY continuing education in the field of alcoholism/addiction and that they be familiarized with the support groups available for all addictions … Alcohol, Drugs, Obesity, Sex Addiction (which leads to atrocities like human trafficking and porn which breaks up homes/families) Gambling, etc … all addiction is devastating … why is our medical community not addressing these needs more thoroughly? It’s truly baffling to me they would rather throw a pill at it … well I know it is easier in the short run … but in the long run it is destroying more lives than it helps …

 

Maybe people standing up to their own doctors will help. Saying no, I do not need meds, I need a hug and some love. Maybe doctors could prescribe a support group, a walking in the park or a puppy petting farm … something else … I do not know what it all looks like but let’s think outside the box to find a solution together. Just a thought …

 

We need to be our own best advocates in this area … otherwise we are subject to the unwarranted dummy down through prescribed medical chemistry

 

Also … just FYI … I do like this doctor … I will stick with her for now … she knew when she asked me about giving me pills that it may fly like a lead balloon, but maybe she felt like she had to anyway … she did ask if I needed counseling … I replied that I see a therapist twice a month and she helps me TREMENDOUSLY (My Therapist is well versed in Addiction Recovery, so she gets me). Hopefully, I won’t keep getting passed around like a hot potato form doctor, to PA to doctor anymore and we will get to know each other better … that way she will better be able to serve me, by KNOWING me …

 

I will continue to stay sober and feel the real feelings I get from life and deal with them with help from God, friends, my therapist and my support groups, books, … and maybe even from you … the person I do not even know yet trying to make this world a better place also, through education and understanding … may the ripple effects of your good works trickle down to me and countless others … as I hope my works affect you and others the in the same way …

 

Love you … Take Good Care of yourself