MOM - Earth Day Birthday

Happy Birthday to my dead Mother …

 

She has been gone for almost 3 years now …

 

I was in a Hallmark store yesterday recalling one of my favorite, or at least one of my most memorable, visits to a Hallmark store several years ago …

 

I walked into the store right before Mother’s Day, the clerk greeted me and asked, “Is there anything I can help you with?” I replied “Yes, do you have a card that says, ‘You’re a Bitch Mom, but I love you anyway?!’ … I burst out laughing and the clerk fled … the laughter was to mask the pain …

 

Last night at one of my meetings, a young sober woman with 90 days was upset her sponsor did not remember if it was her 90 days or 4 months … I told her two stories:

 

1. When I turned one year sober my sponsor did not remember, I had to tell her … I talked to my mentor about it, and he said, “Your sobriety is going to mean more to you than it will to anyone else” He was saying to celebrate it myself, whether anyone else does or not …

2. That story came in handy when I was turning 20 years sober … I told my Mom a day in advance so she could be ready to congratulate me. (Many people will try be very ‘helpful’ in this moment and say ‘well that was an expectation and expectations are premediated disappointments! To which I say … thank you & fuck off …’) Mom lived next door, so I walked over there in the morning and reminded her I was 20 years sober that day and that it was, by far, my greatest accomplishment in life … the one I am most proud of … she looked me straight in the eye and asked me, “What’s for lunch?” … she did not even acknowledge what I had said in the least … Shocked … (which is baffling that I would be shocked, as this behavior was ‘normal’ for my mother) … I exclaimed “I just told you how important this was to me!! How could you blow it off like that ?!” She retorted “Oh, you always try to start something with me!”

 

The ones who love to throw platitudes at someone, such as, ‘Expectations are premeditated disappointments’, in the middle of an emotional laceration, have either not experienced this kind of emotional abuse or are not in touch with their feelings or compassion AT ALL … It is more emotional abuse hurled on a wounded party in the name of ‘helping’ … I call Bullshit! Anyway, I digress … for anyone who even thinks about posting such BS … Fair Warning, I have a strong blocking game …

So, back to Mom …

 

Moms aren’t supposed to treat their children this way … at least that is my understanding of it … no one is supposed to treat anyone this way …

 

I once described MOM as a porcupine alligator … when you got close to her, she would shoot quills into your heart, then bite your head off … or at least snap off a limb or two with those sharp teeth … you WILL limp after your exchange for sure …

 

Happy Fucking Birthday Mom … I am glad you are dead … Yes, I loved/love you deeply … which is why it still hurts so bad … Recovery, Therapy, Coaching, Gym & Chocolate are helping me overcome the lifetime of damage you inflicted … but I, amazingly, still love you deeply … and, am still hurt and healing from a lifetime’s worth of your inflicted, abusive oppression …

 

One of the best quotes I heard recently … “A child that’s being abused by its parents doesn’t stop loving its parents, it stops loving itself” Shahida Arabi PsychAlive.org … I have found absolute truth in this statement …

 

Another: “A narcissist doesn’t break your heart, they break your spirit, that’s why it takes so long to heal. Unknown

 

My mother was undiagnosed something or other … Mentally ill, Narcissist, passive-aggressive, aggressive, Bi-Polar, Victim of Abused herself, traumatized, selfish, self-centered, childish, angry, the list could go on and on and on … Untreated through and through … she sought peace but not healing … makes me sad for a life that could have been so much more …

 

Happy Earth Day Birthday Mom … I know it meant a lot to you to have Earth Day as your Birthday. Even though I harbor mixed feelings about you still, I am truly grateful you are finally at Peace and that was all you ever wanted … so … good for you …

 

I do not write this for those who judge, I write this for me, and for those who can identify, so that we may find healing through mutual understanding, knowing we are not alone in our pain, and through expressing our selves, as we need to, when we need to, so we do not feel alone in this painful recovery journey …

 

I wanted to say Happy Birthday to Mom MY way …

 

On this page, I feel free to express what I need to express; however, I want to express it … that is freedom … the freedom I have felt/started to cultivate ever since mom died … more to come …