The Horses

The Horses

OMG where do I start …

I was horse crazy from the jump … my friends and I used to play “horses” … WE were the horses … On the playground, we would gallop, whinny, and make horse noises. I acquired MANY model horses that I would get as gifts, but also, I bought with my allowance … I still have some of them, as well as the horse stable I bought with my own money that I made from the many entrepreneurial activities my brother and I did to keep our bank roll funded … I had posters of horses all over my bedroom walls … I was nuts about horses!

I took horseback riding lessons for a few years at CLC (California Lutheran College). This is where I learned to groom saddle, ride, and jump horses. I rode both Western and English style.  Fond memories …

Side Note: After horseback riding, while I was waiting for my mom to come pick me up, I would watch the Dallas Cowboys run drills, as their practice field was at CLC … those were the Tony Dorsett days … I remember him coming over to the fence one day to say hello to all us kids … a highlight moment for sure!

In 1979, we moved to a property next to Mt. Rainier, in Washington State, We now had space for horses and we got a couple of them! Little girl’s dream come true!

The first time I saw Cinnamon, she was on the other side of the truck, peeking through the window. As we were checking her out, she was checking us out … Surprise! She was pregnant!! Double dream come true!

Mom felt we needed a pony too, to keep Cinnamon company, so we also welcomed Misty home as well … Cinnamon, you guessed it, was a cinnamon-colored Chestnut and the Misty of Chincoteague books were super popular at the time, so Misty pony received her name quite by default … she favored a Palomino color …

We had a barn and a large yard, but not a fenced in pasture … there happened to be a large pasture down at the guide ranch, on the other end of town, where we kept the horses during summer … we would ride our John Deere tractor down to the ranch with a bale of hay in the bucket to feed the horses or a saddle to ride them …

Another horse occupied the pasture that was neglected by her owner … we would feed her too, and give her pets when she would let us, she was a bit feral & spooked by humans, I think someone used hit her as she was shy to our hand … I just kept at her, winning her over a little at a time … one day when she was close to the rails of the pasture, I hopped on her back with no saddle, no halter, no rope, nothing!!  She got a little excited … I held on to her mane and my legs wrapped tightly so as not to be thrown and we went for a little ride around the pasture, her tossing her head and whining all the while!  I slid off her when I got the chance, so as not to push our first ride connection too far over the edge …

We found out who her owner was, and we bought her … another beauty in our herd …. I named her Nipper because she liked to nip a bit …

Let me take a minute in the middle of my story to tell you this hurts SO BAD … recounting this trauma is putting a pit in my stomach that I can barely stand … it is barely tolerable, the pain is excruciating … I tend to drown my sorrows in the Food channel, Food and Gambling in all sorts of forms …

When I was at breakfast with my friends this last weekend, who do not know about this childhood hurt I am working through, one of my friends thought I may need meds to help me feel better … FUCK … They know I am working through childhood stuff with my therapist, but I do not discuss all my trauma with everyone … I am going deep to a level not many are willing to consciously go to, to heal … I am all about bringing the pain to heal and most do not have the balls to pick at that deep of pain … I know they meant well, but it hurt my feelings … I did not even realize, or put two and two together at the time, that reliving this past trauma will depress you, no meds needed here … just working through the pain in its due time … I buried it for 40 years, so it was time it finally came up or it would keep festering …

SO, now you know, this story does not end well … back to the traumatic past …

A beautiful love affair with the horses ensued …

Baby Cricket entered the world uneventfully ... one morning she was just there, all legs!! She was a Cinnamon Mini Me! We would stake Cinnamon in the front yard where all the grass grew and Cricket would try out her long legs, running all over the field … our neighbors, who owned the guide ranch, drove by in their red convertible and stopped to gander at our newest addition, I felt like a proud mom!

I mostly rode Nipper … she ended up being my favorite … she was a big Sorrel horse, 15+ hands 1300 lbs, beautiful!

We would gallop down the middle of the local grass air landing strip, bare back with only a hackamore (no bit) … the pilot who used the air strip the most asked me to keep to the side of the strip, due to bumpy landings from the divots made from hoof prints on soft, wet terrain in the middle of the runway … I didn’t like galloping down the side because grouse would be in the tall grass on the side of the runway and could spook the horse if we startled them as we flew by, but I respected his request and was prepared for the possible startling if should come …

The restaurateur at the end of the air strip watched us approaching his restaurant one day as we barreled towards him at top speed …. I could barely get her to stop as she was so into the moment … He made the comment “You’re a really good rider!” … that made me so proud …

Sometimes I would just lie on Nipper’s bear back and let her eat the grass … we would just hang out in the sunshine together, as one … felt like heaven …

One day we were loping along the highway, and our pathway ended abruptly … We jumped the ditch in front of us and ended up in the middle of the highway! Thankfully, no cars were in the immediate area, and we were able to quickly make it safely to the other side … I remember feeling a sense of freedom and accomplishment at having made the jump and scrambling off the road before the cars arrived, as if we did that every day … no worries here!

I remember riding Cinnamon down the old rode at the end of town as well … a grouse fluttered on the side of the road as we loped through, Cinnamon quickly side stepped, flustered, but I was able to keep my balance and on we rode … Good times!

Sometimes my boyfriend and his friends would ride the motor bikes, and my friends and I would ride the horses, to wherever we were going to hang that day whether it be swimming, exploring or just being kids doing ‘nothing’ … (as if on cue, as I was writing these words, the boyfriend I was referring to in this story, DM’d me after not hearing from him for months … he felt me thinking about him, as I was writing about him … Wild! He reminded me that when we were riding together, him in back of me, I use to click my tongue to make the horses gallop so he would fall off … Ha! We laughed at the fond memories …)

I was in Jr. High when we got the horses … school was only 3 miles away … then High School came which was 20 miles away.  I started sports and that made for a long day … I would be gone from 7am to 7pm, but I also started making friends 20 miles away and spending time at their home as well ….

The horses became less and less of an excitement compared to my new friends and love of sports …

Back at home, Mom was a rageaholic … angry most of the time, so she had a hard time communicating without screaming at you … it was traumatic to say the least … it was hard to be around her and I did not want to be at home with her there, as it was usually unpleasant … so the change to high school activities provided relief from her and the traumatic environment … My excursions with the horses had done that too …

Mom was taking care of the horses mostly, by this time, they were up at our barn, close to the house, but I was not helping with their care as much as I used to … Mom was threatening to get rid of them if I did not help more … I was 14-15 years old at the time …

My parents were in the process of getting a divorce at the time. She had a HUGE house/Bed & Breakfast to take care of, 3 kids, dog, cat, horses, goats, and we were a long way from normal stores … 20 miles to the grocery store and 40-50 miles to specialty stores. She had a lot on her plate and was doing the best she could.

One weekend I went with my dad to Minneapolis, Minnesota, his hometown … we were visiting family and having a nice time together. I rarely got to see my dad as he was a pilot, gone most of the time, and I was 100% a daddy’s girl. We had a wonderful weekend together and returned home to find the horses all gone …

Mom had sold them over the weekend, I did not even have a chance to say goodbye …

I can understand that she had to let them go … but not letting me say good-bye and doing it on a weekend when I was out of town with dad, was just cruel. I felt like she had done that on purpose to hurt me … she was jealous of the attention dad gave to me and our special friendship. Not to mention the fact that she knew I would be heartbroken about the horses … she had a satisfied look on her face, like she had landed a direct hit … which she had …

Mom always had a knack for ruining any fun I was having … she could not stand people being happy because she was miserable all the time … that was true up until the day she died …

Little did she know, or any of us know, the worst was yet to come …

After she sold the horses, I found out that Nipper had been sold to a lady who had sold her to the meat factory … OMG … there are no words to describe how deeply that hurt goes, even today, it guts me …

In Mom’s defense, she did not know that would happen and she felt horrible, as she should … FUCK! What do you do with that?!

Cinnamon had moved up the road a bit in our small town, she knew the town well as we had ridden all over it. She got out of her field and was running on the main highway, trying to run home to us … the home she had known for many years … a camper was following slowly behind her, blocking the view from the other traffic behind them from seeing what was going on … a Cadillac made the move to pass … she spooked … both Cinnamon, and the Cadillac, were totaled …

Again … what do you do with that?! … FUCK, FUCK, FUCK …

For many years I blamed Mom. When I sobered up, I looked at my part for not taking as good a care of the horses as I should have, so, I blamed myself and carried the guilt of their deaths on my shoulders for many years …

I remained silent on the subject for many years … burying deep, the guilt and shame of the tragedies … how can you talk about these things when the pain and guilt are overwhelming, even today, 40 years later, it is almost impossible to recount … I had to FORCE myself to write this all out in hopes of shedding more light on the subject and finding some healing and closure to these tragic events … these types of memories do no good hiding in the dark, they fester and make one very sick indeed … acting out in various ways to numb the pain, not even realizing the cause of the destructive behavior … it is best to look this shit straight in the eye, face it for whatever it is, own it and deal with it however it shows up … As ugly as it may be, there comes a time when you can run from it no more or face the dire consequences of its aftermath for the rest of your life … I chose to heal; therefore, I chose to face it head on …

Thankfully, as these memories were coming up recently, I did discuss them with my therapist. She has helped me look at the whole scenario and frame it more productively … what did I learn from it all?

I was only about 14-15 years old … just a kid … it is the parents’ responsibility to teach kids how to do things like care for animals … Mom tried, she just did not have the skills it took to successfully parent, because she had not been successfully parented … She was overwhelmed with her circumstances, and I was trying to escape the trauma of home … unfortunately, the horses were caught in the crossfire and became collateral damage …

Side note: Misty and Cricket made it to loving homes, so that is some good news …

I did learn from this experience … when I had cats, I promised them, as kittens, that I would always take care of them, and I made good on that promise as best I could … even when it meant huge sacrifice … I carried out my promise …

I fell away from horses after that … the love of my life had become a painful, haunting memory that I did not want to disturb, but it has always been in the back of my mind to be around horses again someday, knowing how much work they are … I will not take that on unless I know I can provide the best possible care for them …

I recently went to Best Friends Animal Sanctuary in Kanab, Utah to visit the horses … to help me reconnect and heal from the trauma of losing mine … I have been reconnecting to the horse world slowly but surely over the last couple of years … I feel I have lost time with the horse world, that maybe I would have ended up there a long time ago if it were not for the hurt and shame I carried …

The healing process is slow … I had forgiven my mom … but I do not think I have forgiven myself yet … I did not even realize that until I just wrote those words out … hmmmm … ok … well that will take a little time too … but at least I know now …

I had to get this story on paper, whether I liked it or not, and I have been writing this out over a couple of weeks … I had to force myself today to get the rest of the story on paper … glad I did, even as painful as it is … that is part of the healing … getting it out, so the truth can come out in the “pen”.

I can have compassion for my younger self who was confused about life, specifically HER life at that time, trying to make her way with little, to no guidance, from her always angry mother … loving the horses, but loving her new friends and the new found popularity at high school … her life was changing, she was changing, many things to learn and no understanding of how to navigate it all successfully … just winging it all the time … running on often misguided, teenage instincts …

Forgiveness … that is the reason I had to write it all out … to forgive myself … I think I can … just give me a bit more time … we cannot go around beating ourselves up for all our past mistakes, that is too heavy a burden to carry …

God made a way for all this … His yoke is easy, and His burden is light … He has provided a way out of the guilt and shame, all we have to do is accept it … Thank you Jesus, for giving me a way to cope and deal with this … we can forgive ourselves, the way He has forgiven us … He throws all our guilt and shame in the Deepest Sea, never to visit it again … He provided a perfect Lamb to sacrifice for our sins and then the Lamb rose again to Life after 3 days … just as I can, also, rise again, to life, as the protagonist/victim/heroine in the telling of this tale … We don’t have to stay down; we can rise up in victory from past hurts … learning what NOT to do next time … like a Phoenix rising from the ashes of the life I burned down …

DO you think it is a coincidence that I am writing this over Easter weekend? I don’t … perfect timing, as usual, God, Thank you! 

SO, Monday after Easter arrived and I was processing all of this with friends, hurting, healing, growing … I was doing my morning meditations … I read from Jesus Calling every morning … the reading made everything click into place for me to move on in a positive light …

Jesus Calling April 10 – Trust me in every detail of your life. Nothing is random in My kingdom. Everything that happens fits into a pattern for good, to those who love Me. (I love Jesus with all my heart, He is my best friend) Instead of trying to analyze the intricacies of the pattern, focus your energy on trusting Me and thanking Me at all times. Nothing is wasted when you walk close to Me. Even your mistakes and sins can be recycled into something good through My transforming grace.  (Romans 8:28 quoted within)

And this is why Jesus is my best friend … He gets me … loves me … calms me … heals me … He makes me feel better when I am down through his promises like the one given above … Redemption!

I can move out from this trauma now … knowing He will use it for good … that is why I have to post this … I was not sure I was going to post something so painfully personal and possibly let haters come in with their comments … even if they do, my Lord will help me through it and I will know the haters do not understand the situation like my Jesus and I do … so I will throw love their way and hope they find peace along the way as well …

The post is truly for those who identify in some way with a past hurt they carry … I hope and pray they can find hope and healing as I have found … it would redeem the horses’ demise in a spiritual way that is beautiful beyond words … healing others from their tragedy, so their death would not be in vain … to me, that is what God does, he restores the broken hearted … He promises that over and over again … He can do that for anyone who is willing to accept his Grace … His Grace is a gift freely given, You do not have to do anything ... Just Be ... He loves you just like that ... Promise! 

Love you …