Fuck em and feed em fish heads!

My mantra when I was drinking over 21 years ago … it was a protective phrase I used to gain power within myself to sluff off people who were hurting me in some way …

 

I almost tried to re-implement that today (4-13-19) when I realized I want to not let people get to me with their rogue opinions and unsolicited comments … and how do I stop FEELING what they are dishing out free of charge – but there IS a charge! Several charges - emotional, spiritual, mental and electrical … these opinions definitely have a charge … I feel like they are trying to control me, label me, define me, tell me I’m doing it all wrong, mold me into their puppet, criticizing me and ultimately taking up negative space in my head (Uh oh! I think my crazy is showing already! Oh well … welcome to me … my secret is out … I am a bit cra-cra … hence, why I am fluent in crazy, cos I live it … on the inside!)

 

When I thought for a moment I wanted to re-implement this tactic I used when I was drinking, I had to stop myself and realize that will not work for me now – not anymore – it used to work when I didn’t care, but now I care … I do not want to tell that to people or even think it … It is not loving or kind …

 

I used to not care about that – I just wanted to protect myself with a tough exterior … it “worked” as far as keeping people away from me … but then I was lonely … it does not foster friendship that is for sure! It is a false front to keep the wolves at bay, but it does not feel good inside. Really. Although I used to convince myself that it did … “if you don’t give a fuck, they can’t hurt you” I thought … but that is a lie I told myself so I could carry on … I also did not know any better … I thought being a tough bitch was the way to survive … and maybe it was back then … but that is not who I want to be now … (I want to be a nice tough bitch not an unkind one)

 

When the thought crossed my mind today to start thinking that way again, that that would “work” and I realized it wouldn’t, I was at a loss … I literally felt lost because that was my “way”… for a moment it made me feel powerful … then I realized it is not the path to peace and I would have to find another route which is what I am in the process of doing … retraining my brain to the side of pure love … to be loving and kind to myself and others. God is the one who can lead me where I have never been …

 

It is not like I have NEVER been down the path of love … but maybe I haven’t … at least not to THIS level … I have been to many levels of love … but I sense this is a new level … a level I have not been to yet, so that makes it exciting and scary … I was very scared for a moment when I realized that old, negative attitude was not going to work because it was so familiar to me … “what the fuck am I gonna do then?!?!?” … My mind was barely grasping the edge of the new path I would take … it barely caught sight of the trailhead … that’s when I know something good is coming cos it’s a thought I have to reach for … it is new to me and I have to learn it … Trust God for the way … He is the Way, the Truth and the Life (Fisherman John) … Ask Him to guide me … create a NEW mantra … Maybe –

 

1. Love ‘em and give ‘em Joy

2. Love ‘em and forgive ‘em all

3. Love ‘em and pray for their healing

4. Love ‘em and kill ‘em with kindness?! (Ha – still a bit passive aggressive …)

5. Love ‘em and leave ‘em … better! (Ha! Again with the edgy phrase … )

6. Love ‘em and beseech ‘em glory (Muckin’ around now – amusing myself …)

7. Love ‘em and wish ‘em peace within

8. Love ‘em and ??????

 

I am certain the first part should have “Love” in it, but the second part is eluding me …. I will have to think on it and come up with something that flows off the tip of my tongue and jives with my spirit … maybe anyone out there can help?! Let me know what you come up with … we can create it together …

 

I have found it useful in the past to come up with a mantra to go to when there is something within me I need to change as I am an obsessive/compulsive person and I will obsess on whatever is happening or just happened so I need something else to focus on so I can bring myself back to a place where I want to be instead of where the situation just sent me … back to shock and trauma … into my PTSD … flight fight or freeze … I want to feel positive, happy and full of joy instead.

 

This venture in finding a new me is going to be hard work … DNA shift … reprogram the brain … been on YouTube a lot watching videos to see how to retrain my brain into positive … but I know I will get there as I am tenacious … when I want something I do not give up on it … obsession! I can make that work for me or against me …

 

Crazy is my redemption … it will redeem all the years that my crazy worked against me … now I am going to let my crazy work FOR me … I’ve grown up a lot and I will be doing more growing up right in front of you … hang on for the ride as I am sure it will get a little (or a lot) CRAZY along the way!! Why?! You ask … because it comes with the territory of ME … it’s always been crazy … probably will always be crazy … so I have made friends with my crazy

 

I’ve always been a bit whack, but the sculpted crazy has been more defined over the years, is taking shape nicely and I like what it is becoming after a lot of crazy, hard work, forced to grow up trauma, support groups, therapy, life, etc … the crazy, laughter, good friends, family and God brought me through it … not necessarily in that order …

 

This will be my first post on my blog … I am going to post since I watched a YouTube video on Rami Malik’s top 10 by Evan Carmichael this morning … I believe Rami to be a bit odd and people make fun of him a bit, so I feel like if he can do this and let his crazy (and his crazy good talent) show and then why can’t I?! I am going to let my freak flag fly along with the best of them. Rami won an Oscar this year for all his efforts portraying another crazy genius, Freddie Mercury, (Bravo Rami). It inspired me … the top 10 premises below on the video spoke to me …

 

1. Build a tough skin

2. Master your craft

3. Be committed

4. Do your own thing

5. Be bold

6. Seize every opportunity

7. Do different things

8. Find your true path

9. Take risks

10. Chase your dreams

 

I want to find my true voice … MY voice … not the one everyone thinks I should have or wants me to have or demands I have or the one I think I should have so as to not offend anyone, (God forbid we offend anyone!!) … but my voice … the one I want to express … and hope someone will hear it and be able grow and find theirs too … I have found no matter what you do, someone is bound to be offended and let you know their opinion … I have let that stop me in the past … not anymore, hence, the reason I need a new mantra! HA! Help!

 

I often feel like no one is listening to me … (a childhood trauma for another blog post) so maybe my voice will help someone … even if that someone is just me)

 

Love you!

S