Rainy Day in Las Vegas

Good morning from rainy Las Vegas, NV …                                                         February 4, 2024

Finished February 18, 2024, … final edit & post March 9, 2024

Disclosure: I almost didn’t post this, but I need to stay true to myself and the work I am trying to accomplish here at FIC which is sharing my crazy and all, or at least many, of its quandaries … working through them to the other side … helping myself and others along the way who may be going through something similar and need to know they are not alone … together we can get through it … with Gods help we can get through anything …

Ok. Let’s get into it …

I always have so many things running through my head to write down and I get afraid to write them because they are dealing with my friends and family, and I am scared they will hurt someone or cause a rift between us … but I think if I write them, other people can identify with the everyday “crazy” that I deal with … well at least some of it … I say that because I property manage in LV and there are things going on in this business most people would never dream of dealing with, let alone need to be on the front line of taking care of the matters that come up … being yelled at and/or threatened pretty much weekly, conflict, difficult conversations, confrontation, EVERY week several times a week and/or day … deaths in properties, squatters, crime, negligence, hoarders, infestations, water leaks which trigger months of insurance nightmares especially if it involves a neighbor, ignorance, carelessness, people living like pigs, entitlement, arrogance, drugs, filth, HOAs doing whatever they want, Misogynistic, sloppy contractors, utility companies, huge financial decisions, owner and tenant drama and their real life problems, dealing with the general public, everyday repairs, the list goes on and on and on … In January, I had a tenant commit suicide in one of the properties I manage, I am responsible for getting it cleaned up … let me tell you, that will fuck you up for weeks/months on end … but I digress Already!

I think I wanted to talk about a few things regarding my friends … I brought up the above because one of the things I believe is that my friends have no idea what I deal with on a daily basis … I have tried for YEARS to tell them, and they either half listen, because they are tried of hearing it … try to fix it (don’t need fixing, just venting) … ignore it … or listen but not truly understand what I am dealing with and how much stress it causes … I have said for years, we need a support group for Realtors and Property Managers … we see so much behind the scenes, and we are even sworn to secrecy in most cases, we can not discuss what we see behind the scenes that traumatize us due to privacy and confidentiality laws …

We have a saying; it is better to understand than to be understood … I understand that they don’t understand … I am going to stop trying to explain myself and understand that no matter how much I try to explain … there is NO way I can tell them everything that makes up all the circumstances of why I am the way I am … there are only two who understand… God and Me, and I do not even understand most of the time! … the rest would have had to be with me my entire life to truly understand, and I would not wish that upon anyone … I have had a very traumatic life … trauma, after trauma, after trauma … now I work in a traumatic work environment and I feel a bit trapped because it makes a good living for me and it is hard to get out of something you’ve built for so long and realize it may not be what you want after all these years of building into it …

So, Stress Summary #1 – Work and people not understanding what I deal with

Stuart has been doing well lately as far as settling down and not running around, but he is depressed … I think I have been too … this happened the last few times he came off a “bender”. The bender being him going off his meds and running around … It is like going through a war and we need time to recover after such a war … multiple hospitals, cities, doctors, nurses, social workers, meds, etc …

Stress Summary #2 – Stuart, my mental ill brother, and all that comes with that scenario

When I get depressed like this, it is hard to feel motivated to go to work. I am the only one in my household. I am it. Chief cook and bottle washer. Sole provider. When I am down, nothing gets done … no fall back … I used to feel like I had my dad to fall back on, but he is gone now. I have a wealthy client; we have a great affection for one another, and he has looked out for me for 14 years in business and I have looked out for him in business as well. I always felt like he had my back. I have borrowed from him and paid him back, but now he is upset with his return and threatening to pull his portfolio that I have managed for 14 years because the return is not where he thinks it should be. He won’t listen to me and thinks he knows how Las Vegas Property management works as far as the tenants and these older properties that are not in the best areas. I have repeatedly told him we need to sell those and put the money in newer areas, that have better tenants and higher rates of return, but he refuses. The properties constantly need work and he thinks we should be done working on them by now … he bought during the short sale and bank owned era, so the properties needed work in the first place, I have been slowly getting them up to snuff ever since, a bit at a time, and sometimes, tenants destroy them or live hard in them and it costs quite a bit of money to put them back together … such is life in LV PM … you can go after the tenants, but you can’t get blood out of a turnip as they say …

This client has been a good friend over the years, but the last 6 months he has been yelling at me … he has not done that before. Twice screaming at the top of his lungs at me, that will not work for me. I have PTSD+ so this triggers me not just for the moment, but for days, and even weeks, due to him being a close friend. It brings me down to a depression level again. I do not have friends that scream at me, so it is a shock to me. I discussed it with him, and he is trying to not do that. After 14 years, the relationship is worth saving, so I am trying to work it out with him, but he is trying to give me ultimatums and that doesn’t work for me either … I have been holding my own and responding very well, but it is so stressful.

Interest rates have been up, so business has been slow, the agents aren’t making money, we are running in the red, I am shelling out money every month to keep my head above water and my car died and I had to buy a new car …

Stress Summary #3 - financial

I just buried a friend Bob. I knew Bob for 20 years and I was helping take care of Bob for the last 3.5 years before he passed at 80 years old … his family moved him his 6 last months to be closer to them … I went to northern California to his family’s memorial and brought some of his ashes back so he could be buried in the VA cemetery, where he wanted to be buried.  The day before I left, my car broke down, so I rented a car to make the trip to honor my friend. One of my friends jumped my shit and told me I should not be going, Bob is dead, you need to stay in town, handle the car and my business, make money, forget about BOB … I told him I was going, and he called me hardheaded… WTF?! I carried his voice in my head the whole trip. It felt abusive. I would not tell someone what to do with their life, grief, money, time, or call them names when they didn’t do what I thought they should do … It felt like my mom. Abusive. It hurt. Really bad. This friend is very outspoken, obviously, and has been a good friend, but I have not wanted to be around him or talk to him since …

When we were doing the funeral at the VA cemetery, which went off beautifully … one guy came up to me at the gravesite, right after we buried Bob, and was making fun of me for a share I had shared in a meeting 15 years ago about losing my hot tub … he thought that was funny to be sharing about a ‘Cadillac’ problem … I told him that was a painful time for me … I had lost my dream home, my retirement, a couple hundred thousand dollars, and yes, the hot tub, in the financial crash of 2007-2008 … everything I had worked for, for 15 years and it was extremely painful … he couldn’t hear me, he obviously didn’t get the response he wanted so he brought it up again at the restaurant and made fun of me again. What we share in the rooms of recovery is sacred. Not to be made fun of. Ever. Especially at a gravesite during a funeral. (Miracle update – I ran into this guy and mentioned that the comment hurt me … he apologized and said he was inappropriate … Wow! … that was a gift, to stand up for myself and say something … and good for him to be sensitive and make it right … Bravo!)

Stress Summary #4 – Insensitivity and inappropriateness  

I have been struggling with the women’s group I go to. I love them dearly. They are amazing. Lots of sober time and love. But they are women. Other women will understand what I am saying. They all have their own opinions, way of believing, saying, and doing things … I come tired on a Saturday morning from a long, stressful, work week, never enough coffee and the women’s personalities that early in the morning can trigger me. (yes PTSD+ still in full force) They cross talk me (share directly at, or, to my share, before, during or after the meeting,) make fun of me, be sarcastic, be too attentive and in my face, try to control me, try to ‘help’ me, just being themselves, not trying to hurt me, but nonetheless it hurts… it is too early in the morning for all of that! I am just trying to wake up and say hello and I have to deal with too much, way too early for me.

They have their hurts & challenges from their life and act in certain ways relative to their trauma … sometimes our traumas rub up against each other’s in a negative way … triggers triggering … ain’t a pretty sight …

Stress Summary #5 - Trying to be around my rambunctious, colorful friends without being triggered

Some of the ladies have VERY strong opinions of how things should go and if you do things differently, you hear about it … I believe in ‘live and let live’. I live my life; you live your life. We all have the space to do what we want. We do not have to tell people how to live and how to do things or be put down for how we do things, or, not do things, as the case may be …

We have a recovery club that is right next to a big city park. Lots of homeless people wander in and newcomers from recovery homes attend. There is a lot of action. People getting up to get coffee, serve coffee, go to the bathroom, answer the phone, go smoke, go get cake, serve birthday cake, pick up trash from the birthday cake, walk around with the basket to collect our money … nonstop action! One of my friends can’t stand all of this. She wants everyone to stay still, in their spot, be quiet and be perfect during the meeting. She constantly complains about it when she is around it. It hurts my spirit. These people are trying to save their lives, who cares if they are not doing it perfectly, there is no such thing as perfect … if you are going to come to this club, this is how it goes down, people are messy … if you don’t like it, don’t come, or keep your mouth shut, we do not need your criticism. It hurts. It hurts telling us we/they are doing it wrong … we are staying sober, so that means, we are doing it right … just because it is not your way, doesn’t mean it is not a way to stay sober … I, for one, can’t stand the rigidity and I stay away from those meetings that are like that … so don’t come to our messy meetings and tell us how to do it …

Stress Summary #6 – Friends trying to impose their strong opinions

One of the most beautiful things I saw at the club… a newcomer with a few days who was still shaking and out of his mind was sitting by the door. There is always cake, cookies, donuts, etc., in the middle of the long tables that run down the center of the club. Smack dab in the middle of the meeting, this newcomer stands up, right in the middle of someone’s share, walks over to the table and points at the cake. He wanted a piece. The guy at the table was fairly new too … he seemed a bit irritated but didn’t really let that on. He proceeded to get this newcomer a piece of cake. It was one of the most caring acts of service I have seen in a long time and that is what our program is all about. I’ll bet that newcomer didn’t hear or remember one word spoken, but I’ll bet he remembers the kindness shown to him in getting some cake that he wanted. It made me want to cry it was so beautiful. My friend would have wanted to tell him to sit down, get the cake after the meeting, not during someone’s share so as to disrupt the meeting … rigidity. That doesn’t feel like love to me. If that had happened, instead of what did, I question whether he would come back … It told the guy who gave him cake how beautiful I thought that was and bravo for carrying out such an act of love.

When I arrived in the rooms of recovery many years ago, my head was so crazy. I could not hear or see everything going on FOR YEARS!!! I needed the grace of being messy. Still do. I could not be told what to do after being told my whole life, by my mother, what to do and that I could not do anything right. I needed to be able to find my own way to a degree. I had a sponsor who used to say “give people the dignity of their own process” … so wise … so grateful she gave me the dignity to find my own way yet guiding me gently along the way with love instead of being harsh, demanding I do things her way … thank you Jesus … some people may need that rigid direction, I could not have stood it, I would have left … again, live and let live, to each their own, but don’t put people down for what they need … or try to control their actions …

I love my friends deeply. They are good people. But I am struggling with their criticism. It pushes me away. I can not have perfect friends. No one can. I am not perfect. I want to be able to accept my friends for how they are and be able to handle myself well around opinions I do not agree with. I feel so deeply. I am very sensitive and that is ok. Some people say I am too sensitive, but my therapist says I am just the right amount of sensitive, I do not need to be labeled another name. It is ok that I have my beliefs even though they are different from my friends. I am limiting the time I spend with some of these friends so I can navigate keeping the friendship, having my own opinion, and not be thrown into shock waves at their strong opinions.

Stress Summary #7 – Negotiating my friends’, and my, flaws and staying friends

I take Sundays off … it is my day of rest and I have told everyone to please not contact me as I need a day when the world is not after me. NUMEROUS Work phone calls, Stuart & his WHOLE medical world calling me, telemarketers, even friends, FLOOD my phone with calls & texts during the week, and I need a day when I do not have to monitor the phone. As a property manager, I cannot completely turn off the phone in case of emergency, I do have it on silent and check it periodically but want peace and quiet.  I asked my friends many times not text or call on Sundays so I can get my much-needed rest. My friends for weeks on end were texting and calling me on Sunday. I did not answer them until Monday, but I felt so disrespected. If someone asked me not to contact them on Sunday, I wouldn’t. They would even say “I know its Sunday, but…” again, WTF?!

Stress Summary #8 – My friends not respecting my boundaries

I am doing ok. I am staying sober and learning how to live in the new world I am creating for myself. One where I am not triggered by everyone, which is where I have lived my WHOLE life up until now. My mom lived like that. I learned to live like that. I am unlearning it and I need safe space in which to do that. I am the one who needs to provide that space for myself because no one else will do it for me. I can talk until I am blue in the face trying to tell others about my experience and why I do what I do, say what I say and ask what I ask and others will not fully understand because they have not walked in my shoes. Its ok. I know. God knows. And now you know a little bit. It’s ok to be a sensitive me in this insensitive world. I like that I am sensitive to the beauty and love and freedom that we all deserve. Free from judgement, criticism, being made fun of or being told I am doing it wrong.

These are not my only stresses, but they weigh on my mind heavily as these are the very people I want to go to go for stress relief and I do not feel safe with them at times … what a fucking bummer … it makes me feel lonely … like I have to be careful what I say around my friends and not say what I really feel or get unwelcome comments …

Stress Summary #9 – Feeling misunderstood and lonely

PTSD is not something you get over just because you want to … it takes a lot of time, work and healing; I cannot tell my body to stop reacting … I have a visceral reaction to these things I have described above … I’ve done therapy for 7 years now … working on getting better, but it is a slow process …

Stress Summary #10 – Wondering how long I will be a state of tender emotion while working to heal my PTSD

I feel a little lost right now because of all of this … I want to cry, every … single … day … but know I can count on God to get me through. Maybe that is why he had that guy come to me at the gravesite … to remind me of that very painful time 15 years ago that HE brought me through … God is faithful … He always has been, and HE always will be, so I will rely on Him to help me through all of this … Thank you God.

WOW – Miracle update #2 … Now I know why I had to wait until today to do the final edit and post … I read Jesus Calling Devotions by Sarah Young every morning … Today’s reading:

March 9
“The world is a needy place: do not go there for sustenance. Instead, come to me. Learn to depend on Me alone, and your weakness will become saturated with My Power. When you find your completeness in Me, you can help other people without using them to meet your own needs. Live in the Light of My Presence, and your light will shine brightly into the lives of others.

And I believe that says it all … the answer to my above dilemmas … I just need to be reminded of that premise daily … Ha!